There is a light that never goes out
by frankiestein
Summary: Following FF XIII, Lightning is missing ever since she set out to find Fang and Vanille. Nobody knows of her whereabouts, yet it isn't right to believe that she's dead just because she's gone, at least to Serah. Includes Lightning's POV. Italics: Thoughts
1. Chapter 1: She will not be forgotten

**Note: This is my first try at fanfiction and I just had to get all of it out of my head. I haven't played FF XIII before (but I already am fangirling lightning) and hence explain all the parts where I might have derailed from the storyline or gone OOC a little. **

**Italics: thoughts**

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><p>Chapter 1: She will not be forgotten<p>

"Lightning is dead!" Lebreau exclaimed in a desperate fashion while fending off the attack by the PSICOM.

**5 years before**

_Is this the end of the warfare? Is this the start of a new peace? A clean slate perhaps? _Serah thought as she started to decrystallise like a beautiful ice sculpture thawing in the summer sun. Reality hits her when the first ray of sunlight caught her eye, blinding her momentarily. Like a metaphor for a new beginning, the beam of sunlight spoke of warmth and hope. _A return to what life was, where everything was beautiful and nothing hurts_. As she slowly adjusted to the overwhelming brightness, two figures slowly start to take shape. She could feel them without seeing them, as if she knew them biologically as if they were a part of her.

"Snow! Lightning!" Serah shouted as she charged towards them. It seemed like an eternity inside the crystal stasis and this was her rebirth, her second shot at life with the most important people. Hugging Snow, the same old security and warmth came back. The same as before, always safe and secure in his arms. Looking past the shoulders of Snow (albeit with some difficulty), she caught sight of the familiar pair of blue eyes that were so similar to hers yet so different. There was something different in that gaze, a break from the coldness that they once held. As if for the first time since eternity, those eyes were injected with a type of warmth that she can only relate to when they were young and innocent. The eyes of Claire Farron.

Wordlessly, she broke off from the embrace and walked tentatively towards Lightning, deeply unsure of her emotions. Proximity is a strange affair as it compels one with the need to be much closer than she already is. Serah literally jumped into Lightning's arms as the distance between them closes. Invisible and hidden emotions crept up at the contact, releasing all the pent up feelings that were trapped alongside her within the crystal stasis. There were so much unsaid words, so many explanations to offer, so many overflowing feelings. Yet the tears didn't ask for forgiveness; they were not bitter and apologetic like so many of her thoughts were. It was just.. the feeling of childhood and the safety in the arms of the sister who cared so much, too much at the expense of her own self.

'Claire I.."

"It's fine." Lightning merely smiled at her.

_Can this be true? Or is this another of the dreams within the crystal stasis, so deliciously true but yet never real? I don't ever want to wake up if this dream continues forever. _Looking at her sister's smile, Serah's heart swelled proportionately, of contentment and of peace. Most importantly, of a kind of bliss she'd forgotten all those times away from her only family left in the world. Home is a respite from the raging world and she's finally home.

**Now**

_Lightning is not dead!_ Her internal battle wages on despite the ongoing war that surrounds her. Amidst all the violence and debris of destruction, all Serah could think about is Lightning. Throngs of unsolved mysteries and unanswered doubts infiltrate Serah's mind as she walks away from all that danger sombrely, the way she walks off from everything whenever Lightning came to her mind. But danger is like a stealthy enemy that creeps up on you unaware, relentless trying to catch up with you and no matter how hard you try, you can never walk away from it. Like truth, like all the negativity, like loneliness, like.. Lightning.

"Serah, this is no time for this!" Lebreau begs as she defended Serah from the onslaught of the enemies the second time.

_What is the point of decrystallising if her second shot at life meant so many precious things taken away from her? is this the intrinsic design of life, where everything costs at the expense of the other? First the sacrificial of Fang and Vanille, then the disappearance of her very own sister._ They say be careful of what you wished for. Serah childishly wished to never wake up from her dream and she got more than she bargained for; a nightmare that refuses to stop haunting her.

Lightning is not dead. Serah insists silently. Ever since the disappearance of lightning, everyone assumes that she must be dead.

**A few nights ago**

"Serah, 5 years is a long time to be missing. She would have come back a long time ago if she had wanted to." Snow said tenderly, seemingly afraid to break the girl's fragile frame just by his words alone.

"We're not asking you to forget about her, it's just not healthy to be constantly obsessing over her like this, kiddo you get me?" Sazh offered.

"What if she's still somewhere out there, waiting for me to go get her? The way I waited for all of you to come and save me in the crystal?" Hysteria rose within Serah as she desperately tried to convince Team NORA and the gang to organise a rescue team for the umpteenth time.

"It's different Serah, we knew you were in the crystal. But Lightning, she's left nothing for us to trace, nothing at all." Snow answered morosely.

"What if she does not want to be found.." Hope muttered thoughtfully.

**Now**

At the reminder of Hope's words, a cold, vice like grip that reeks of fear grabs Serah and twists her insides, giving way to rising acid and a pool of bile deep inside her throat, causing her to retch uncontrollably.

_Does not want to be found.. does that mean she doesn't want me anymore?_

All through these years, Serah repeatedly protests against the claims of her sister being dead. As time pass, Lightning not only had gone missing physically, she is disappearing from their conversations too. It's like nobody remembers her. It's like she isn't part of them. It's like she is slowly forgotten. Yet there are things you don't forget. How do you forget someone who would give her life just to make sure you get to live yours? Serah's head throbs at the memory of how her sister would protect her against all odds, taking the role of both parents when childhood had barely started for herself. What could be more cruel than forcing a mere child to grow up overnight? Serah has watched Lightning's transition from Claire. The eventual result: a cold and often rumoured to be heartless soldier who is trained to kill and maim without hesitation. Only Serah knows the Claire that exists within Lightning, tucked away behind all the exterior of steel and fangs.

_They don't know her like I do, she needs help too. _

_And 5 years is a long time to wait for help. _

A new found strength ignites in Serah as she sets her mind on a new mission, following the footsteps of her sister, marching on even if nobody else could come with her.

_She will not be forgotten._


	2. Chapter 2: Never meant to walk away

**Note: I forgot to mentioned in chapter 1, the phrase "where everything was beautiful and nothing hurts" was stolen from Kurt Vonnegurt! And thanks for reading! because honestly I didn't think any would. :X**

**This time round it's Lightning's POV. I hope it isn't too confusing or something.**

**Kakilightning: hello thanks for reading and commenting (the first one)! :)**

**Lescachan: I am really, really flattered. Thanks for your kind words! I do have a rough idea of how I want to continue, but it's kind of hindered by lots of gaps of my knowledge about FF XIII. But anyways, you made my day with your review! :)**

**Italics: Thoughts**

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><p>Chapter 2: Never meant to walk away<p>

**5 years ago**

They said lying dormant in the crystal stasis meant that you're preserved eternally, frozen in time, no longer subjected to the whimsical ways of the world. Encased in a place where there was no death, no more power struggles, nor did one have to play witness to death of others close to your heart. Was this the better way to go?

"She's not dead! She's just crystallized don't you get it sis!" Snow bellowed in an unprecedented rage.

"I'm not your sis and she's not alive either!" Lightning retorted before delivering a swift blow to the blonde's jaws.

Instead of getting up or showing any remote signs of wanting to retaliate in words and in fists, Snow just remained on the ground, holding on to Serah's single drop of crystal tear as if it was the most precious gem in the world. Perhaps more than just a gem; a life buoy maybe. He was clutching it like a drowning man trapped in the whirlpool of stormy seas. A life buoy does not save, it just keeps you afloat, barely. But when that's all that you have left, you hold on to it.

"She's alive.. waiting for us to save her.."

Lightning stormed away before anyone could stop her, incapable of listening to another word of Snow's incoherent mutterings. Like the fleeting flash of lightning, her anger subsided as fast as it struck. It took less than a few paces when the burning anger was purged, replaced by emotion that had proven to be more toxic than anger itself time after time. The gnawing pain of losing someone close, a diseased tumour that feeds on your innards until you've nothing left but an empty shell. Lightning didn't know that she had anything more in her to feed the burgeoning cancer that seem to resurface as a relapse after the death of her parents. She didn't know she could hurt like this again, even when she's Lightning Farron, the supposed unfeeling soldier that had been unburdened by emotions. Was Lightning just another part of the dysfunctional Claire, doomed to never be able to separate itself from the other?

**Many years ago**

She ached for herself. But most of all, she ached for the younger Farron as she watched Serah cry herself to sleep upon hearing the death of their parents. Wiping away the single tear left on Serah's left cheek, Claire died. For Serah, only Lightning remained.

_Goodbye Claire._

**5 years ago**

In the crystallized state, there were no vital signs, no blood, no pulsating heart. The ice sculpture was the only remainder left of what used to be her little sister, the sister she had sworn to protect till the very end. Lightning could see through Serah, the way Serah often saw through Lightning to detect the existence of Claire unbeknownst to others. Yet life was never meant to be this crystal clear; it was obscured and clouded in haze. To possess such a degree of purity, it was a form of transcendence symbolizing of something greater than mortal life. _Serah, can you see me too, with such crystal clear vision too?_

_Perhaps this is goodbye. But believe me, Serah, I never wanted to walk to away from you. _

With that, Lightning walked away.

**Now**

It's funny how life plays and strings you along regardless of vehement protests. No matter the extent of joke, the coldness of water that is poured on your back, the ending never changes. The outcome is always a barrelful of negative emotions, of pain, of regret or of a million other morose vibes that have yet a name to them.

_They must be still in Lebreau's bar, the same old routines and the same old laughter. Hope? Is 5 years enough to mend the broken bond between the father and the son, enough to make up for the lost time? Sazh and Dajh would have raised herds of chocobos together. _

Each time Lightning allows her thoughts to meander aimlessly through streams, it always lingers at a certain point for a time too long.

_Serah.. are you happy with Snow?_

Despite the deep mistrust she had and still has towards the Blonde brute and his ability to provide for Serah, she witnesses how he would give everything up just for her little sister. The sort of altruistic giving that asks for no return, not even once a demand for the returning of the affections he has for her. If the PSICOM and the fal'cie and all other sorts of obstacles that stood in their way then has any saving grace, it would be to prove Snow's worth. What more could anyone ask for?_ What more can I ask for?_

**5 years ago**

The awakening of Serah was a magnificent display of the destruction of a beautiful crystal sculpture, replaced by a body that possessed the actual flesh and blood of a human. Clear crystal torso to a body installed with signs of life. Rigid limbs giving way to the nimble and agile strokes worthy of a nymph. The contented expression that had been frozen in time for a tad too long, replaced by an exuberating grin that projected warmth and revealed nothing of the previous coldness. The eyes, the same pair of blue eyes that had finally came alive. _This is Etro's marvellous creation._ Lightning thought as she witnessed the birth of her sister the second time.

'Claire I.."

"It's fine." Lightning merely smiled at her.

_Nothing matters anymore, as long as you're home._ Nothing needed to be said, neither did any of Serah's intended apologies have any place nor mean anything at that moment. There was nothing in the world that Lightning would trade for a moment like this, the brief moment of light shining through the usually hazy skies, where second chances are possible, no matter how brief it might last.

_You don't need me anymore; you've Snow and the rest. Serah, don't you see? I have to go. Believe me when I said I never wanted to walk away from you. I don't want to, only this time, I have to._

_So this is goodbye._

**Now**

_No one should ever pay for something I couldn't do. _

The recurring thought that flashes across her mind each time the absence of her comrades is felt. As she walks through Oerba, it is reminiscent of the times they all had while on their journey to get Serah. Every piece of debris serving as a reminder of the damage dealt by the war, every whiff of the smoky air stabs accusingly at Lightning's lungs, as if blaming her for her partaking in the destruction of Oerba. The town, devoid of its once life and vitality, in all its abandonment, only reminds Lightning of her friends who have offered themselves to save Cocoon. _Was saving Cocoon and Serah not the job of mine? Why did they.._

_No one should ever pay for something I couldn't do. _

Nobody should ever pay for her inability to protect.


	3. Chapter 3: Well, if it's too much to

**Note: Back to Serah's POV. I guess that's gonna be the structure, alternate Serah/Lightning I guess. I've this whole storyline mapped out in my head, but argh it takes damn a lot of time to get it started because my thoughts get ahead of myself. And I fixed some of the tenses. And also, this story may not really follow FF XIII too closely.  
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**Italics: Thoughts**

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><p>Chapter 3: Well, if it's too much to deal with, face it later.<p>

**Now**

No matter where the wind may take you, no matter how far you've wandered, you end up where you started originally: home. Home is where the heart is. Heart is where the family is. And the family..

_..is nowhere to be found?_

After the warfare, family no longer holds the same definition and meaning as before. Family now constitutes what's left behind in the war torn world. Family are the ones in your exact same predicament: people who have lost loved ones to the violence, people who needed comfort and most importantly, people who can mend the gaping hole left by the ones who were gone. Can the hole be completely filled? Can the lost ones be replaced?

Never in her life has Serah needed Lightning more. Snow, Team NORA, Hope, Sazh and Dajh. They are family, not just those that made use of each other as substitutes for the absence of their loved ones. It's real for them. Family made up of people you can count on. A whole jigsaw puzzle where each piece compliments another, accommodating the edges and the crevices, instead of a bunch loose fragments of other puzzles that will never be able to fit as snugly.

With the central piece of jigsaw missing, can the picture be whole again?

Sometimes, when things get too hard to deal with, it doesn't make sense to face it there and then. It is always wiser to leave the confrontation to a later point in time when you've gathered enough courage to face it bravely. Why deal with the meddlesome when you can hardly deal with yourself? For the length of 5 years, Serah has been telling herself that she'd face it later. She escaped multiple times when persuasion of Team NORA to look for her sister went awry. Neither has she embraced the possibility that her sister might be dead. She merely chooses to walk away when it gets all too hard. As a result, everyone is kinder to her than ever. How do you be cruel to the grieving girl who is too broken to even heal? Sazh tried to counsel her on multiple occasions, trying to convince her that she is constantly trapped in the rung of 'denial' in the five stages of grief, incapable of moving any further. Yet it didn't make any sense to Serah; for she never did acknowledge to grieving. Like a wandering soul, she prowls the streets aimlessly in her free time, hoping her pair of dainty feet could bring her home. Bring her back to the only sister she has ever known.

Something struck her that night when Lebreau chided her in the middle of the conflict.

**Flashback to the PSICOM attack**

"Lightning is dead!" Lebreau exclaimed in a desperate fashion while fending off the attack by the PSICOM.

_No, she is not. _

**Now**

Unlike the usual protests that rages in her head whenever someone assumes the death of her sister, this voice is calm and composed. It isn't the usual devious voice that makes her doubt herself so. It is brimming with confidence and faith in fact. That moment in time was when Serah understood. It isn't denial, it isn't even grief. How do you grieve for someone who's never gone?

_She will not be forgotten._

Maybe it's time to finally deal with it. Your heart will guide you home.

**A few days after the monsters and PSICOM attack, at Lebreau's bar**

"Watch your girl closely yea?" Lebreau mentioned nonchantly while cleaning her glasses behind the counter.

Snow gave her a puzzled look. He could sense the seriousness in her tone despite her lack of attention and apparent nonchalance regarding the words she had just said. It was unusual for Lebreau to be so direct; a break from her usual style of hiding her concerns behind walls of jokes and sarcasm. When she hadn't continued onwards, Snow decided to probe further.

"Hmm?"

"I said, watch your girl."

"Why?"

"She's rather distracted lately."

"Hasn't she always been, after Ligh-?"

"Just watch her will ya?" Lebreau commanded before retreating back to the storeroom to retrieve more stocks.

**Now**

Odd as it sounded, Lebreau's words aren't unsubstantiated. It is true, following the frenzied attack of the monsters and the PSICOM, something changed in Serah. More withdrawn than she already is and much more irritable. If one were to compare her to a fire, she would be the brightest burning torch when Snow had first met her. The flames which crept into his heart and never did leave. The contrast is stark following Light's disappearance. Serah is reduced to a flickering flame that threatens to extinguish if not for the special care and attention given to keep it alive. The first specialized job in human history ever since the accidental discovery of fire when lightning struck one of the bushes was that of a torch guard, the man who guards the torch to keep the fire going. While Serah is the fire, Snow is the carer of the burning torch. Yet, facing the imminent extinguishment of his fire, Snow knows no way to keep it going much longer. He has exhausted his tools and is left with no means of keeping it alive. Yet, lightning, the one incontrollable variable which had found the fire, wouldn't strike again. _How apt._ Snow scratches his head and reasons with himself that Serah became much duller and reserved after the disappearance of Light. Yet this current level of dullness or even mysteriousness is a whole new level in an uncharted territory.

Watching Serah come into the room, Snow recalls the brief conversation he had with Lebreau previously at the bar. _Doesn't hurt to try I guess?_

"Serah, where'd you been all day?"

"Just wandering around.."

"Doing?"

"Nothing." Brushing Snow off, Serah went about packing her things into a bag.

"Where you going?"

"Nowhere."

Something is really wrong. Given Serah's stance, hell bent on not telling, Snow knows it's all about Lightning. When it comes to being obstinate, the Farrons are champions at it.

"Serah.. Look, listen to me, you need to stop doing this to yourself. You need to come to terms with it. Sis is dead, she's never coming back and she wouldn't want to see you grieving like that!"

Denial is the devil that rejects Reality, overpowering it again and again, layering walls of bricks around it to keep it contained and most importantly, far from oneself. As the distance between the truth and one's self constructed life through ways of denial builds, consequences become dire when one becomes completely detached from the rest of the world. There comes a point in time where reality must surface again, to break down the walls to help one live again. All these years, Snow has been trying to protect Serah from virtually anything at all. Perhaps it's wrong, wrong to protect her from the truth too. It is too much to see Serah in this state. It is time someone put it across so directly, so bluntly. Snow could only blame himself for the lack of eloquence and articulation in the letting down of the girl of his dreams. It hurts but it heals too.

"She. Is. Not. Your. Sis." Serah said through gritted teeth.

The full impact of the words hit Snow only a few moments later. When he finally reacts, Serah had stormed away. By the time he thought of giving chase, she's gone. Too fast, too distant. Instead, he found a letter by the kitchen table. Written in Serah's neat handwriting, the letter said:

"Do not follow. I will not forgive you if you did."

Serah is a sensitive girl who knows the power of words. Just because she understands how words could cut and hurt even the toughest, she has always made it a point to chose her words carefully, even anger couldn't incite a verbal diarrhoea out of her. Snow understands her, yet as baffling as this sudden outpour from her is, he knows better than to chase after her. She meant every word in the letter. How do you stop someone so determined to go? How do you make someone come back when she has decided to go on a journey without you?

In a state of utter confusion and hurt, Snow just stands there, taking in the fading scent of the girl of his dreams, unable to do anything. _Helpless._

Eventually, Snow ended up in Lebreau's bar, completely unaware of how he ended up there. His feet acted themselves and brought him to the place where there are people who care.

"Holy Snow, you'a lookin completely busted!" Sazh exclaimed after seeing the heartbroken Snow.

Lebreau said nothing, only choosing to look at Snow with knowing eyes filled with the maternal tenderness.

_I'm sorry Snow. I have to go somewhere you can't come along. This is the only way out, I'm sorry._

Serah knows Snow well; beyond well in fact. She knows that he would never allow her to chase after a fleeting dream. Worse, he would never let her go alone in her dangerous pursuit. Serah decided long ago that Snow has done far too much for her. It is out of question for him to tag along, especially on a long hard journey like that. It is a journey that lacked destination, one that could span over years and decades, where companionship is not opportune. She has been planning it for days, deciding on ways to break away from the new found family. In her mind, she could visualise them literally tying her up to prevent her from going off. There is no amicable way of saying goodbye; farewell could very well root her to the ground, rendering her even more incapable of leaving.

Much as Serah didn't want it to end like this, or the fact that it has to end a few days earlier than her intended date, she knows that it is the perfect opportunity, the perfect window for her exit. Snow would understand. Snow would know better than to chase her anymore. He has always respected her decisions.

_Maybe another time, another life, I will journey to a place where you can go too._

Serah marches on, following the footsteps of all the Farrons, taking the path that promises no return.


End file.
